My personal journey to Hope, Serenity, and Peace

Up in the clouds.   One of the most important pieces in my recovery has been my faith.  I consider myself more spiritual than religious.  I was raised evangelical protestant.  I grew up going to church,went to christian camps in the summer and even went to a christian college.  For the most part I had good experiences.  This gave me a foundation when I started my path of recovery. My very first bout with depression was in my junior year of college.  I didn't mention this in my earlier posts.  I became very stressed out and almost took time off  before my senior year. I didn't want to end my life, but I did get very overwhelmed.  I made an appointment with the college chaplain and did have some sessions with him.  I don't remember what we talked about, but I did go on to finish my senior year.    One of the reasons I always sought help was that I grew up knowing taking your life was a sin. When I was introduced to Al-Anon, ...

  When depression and anxiety are talked about,  people who aren't educated think they are two separate diagnosis.  Essentially they are, but they are very intertwined with each other.  Anxiety with excessive worry can bring on feelings of depression, maybe some helplessness and hopelessness.  Likewise when depression comes about, anxiety and worry can become worse.  This was my pattern.  My anxiety and worry to my feelings of helplessness and depression. My depression has been stable for about 19 years. When I got diagnosed with my breast cancer my depression seemed to stay stable.  I often wondered if I was cancer free, why I wasn't jumping for joy. I was very grateful I was alive, but my anxiety reared its ugly head. I had several health issues that evolved after tx.  My lungs, heart and thyroid were affected.  My life had changed.  I had to retire, I still don't have my stamina back and after 4 years the doctors are finally sayi...

 " A Dead end is just a good place to turn around" I think right now,  my purpose in life is to stay alive. I'm coming up on my forth year of my breast cancer diagnosis. I remember it like yesterday.  One of the hardest aspects of my life was finding a new normal.  I went from working full time to a having to retire.   The past 30 + years as I struggled with depression and anxiety, my purpose was also to stay alive. I had to raise my children, make sure we were all safe and have some fun now and then.  My daughter sent me a video called " Why having a purpose in life is bullshit" .* by Kate Forster.  In it she talked about her friend that went through cancer and the advice she gave her.   I really identified.  I don't need to have a big purpose right now.  If I want to write, I can do write.  If I want to do a thousand piece puzzle I can do that.  If I don't have any plans I sometimes just stay in my pajamas all day....

"Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of others" Unknown  I'm realizing more and more as I have started this blog, that recovery is in every aspect of my life. For the past year I've had to assist my husband in some daily living skills. I had to skip a week with my posts because my husband went into the hospital.  He went to rehab after spending 5 days inpatient for some respiratory distress. He returned home February 1st. For me, the more recovery I have the more positive I am when life happens.  Since I am retired I was able to go to the hospital daily and sit with my loved one.  This was a different schedule for me.  I had to make sure I was still taking care of myself.  Making sure I got enough rest when I went home and eating when I got hungry.  With my mental health history, I had to make sure I did not get emotional burned out.   With strong recovery in my life I feel I have gotten to know my body physically and emotionally....

"When we are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears" Anthony Robbins. When I think about the date today, I haven't always been so calm and serene.  Thirty six years ago is when I got married for the first time.  Because of how the marriage ended and many unacceptable issues that happened,  it was a major trigger for years.  I would have different emotional reactions for years.  Today it is just another day. When I have an anxiety or panic attacks, my heart can start racing and it feels like something is crawling inside my body.  With continued recovery I was able to forgive myself and also the partner that I left.  My emotional responses improved.  Looking back it took talking with professionals , joining and getting involved in support and getting rid of the shame.   In many ways, I had to change some of my thinking.  I actually became grateful.  Grateful for the lessons I've learned and am learning.   I rea...

I knew sleep was a necessity, but for me it was a major trigger. I have been having sleep issues ever since I was diagnosed with my depression.  Right now in the present, it is a chore to fall asleep.  Some nights I feel like a child who doesn't want to go to sleep.  With my history of depression and domestic violence.  I had to take prescription sleep medication to get negative thoughts from haunting me at night. As I recovered my sleep got better.   During therapy sessions, I learned guided imagery that put me in happy places that I enjoyed. With the internet and utube, their are many ways to access sleep exercise,positive images and sleep music. Since I got diagnosed with cancer, I have had unhealthy thoughts that I will not make it to the morning.  Of course it is very scary, but yet I took many deep breaths and with all the past skills of recovery, it is lessening.   I am going to treat this like a regular job 1st:  During my awake ...

We don't have to control our thoughts.  We just have to stop letting them control us. Depression and anxiety for me go hand in hand.   Along with depression, I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.  Now that my depression is stable, I can understand my anxiety more.  I had to have treatment for both.  Some of my worry led to my depression.  With my anxiety I had excessive worry.  I always thought of the worst case scenario.  Some of my thoughts became obsessive and I couldn't stop them.  It was very crippling.  These thoughts would led to helplessness and hopelessness, which in turn would lead to my emotional pain and my thoughts of suicide. Recovery for me always comes back to acceptance.  Once I gained acceptance of my circumstances and not question why, I was able to start healing.   When I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my thoughts were how and why?  There was no genetic connection.  Was it ...

 The first year of  my cancer treatment, I was actually kind of numb.  The doctors tell you about all the possible side effects that can possible happen, and I wondered how my body would  handle it all.   I was stable with my depression, I was now remarried and recently got a promotion at work.  I was grateful for all the recovery I had, because it made me that much stronger to deal with another monster in my life.  I took leave from work and started chemotherapy in April of 2021.  August had a lumpectomy and started Radiation in October.  I was finished with TX in November of that year.   During one of my radiation appointments tears started running down my face and my doctor put in for a referral for a cancer psychologist.   It did take a couple months to get an appointment, but I went, listened and shared because my body was healing physically as well as emotionally again.  I wasn't depressed. I didn't want to...

"Your stronger than you ever realized, without a doubt." For the last 15 years, I was now stable with my depression.  I was still taking medication, but my coping skills got me to the point where psychiatrist intervention wasn't needed.  I was managing my own home and full- time job.  I was actually getting be to know myself. March of 2021, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I want to say my world started crumbling again, but for some reason I didn't feel alone and isolated like I had in the past when bad news came.  I had the support of my new spouse, my adult children, family and even friends. Being emotionally healthy helped me more than I realized. I was still in shock at the thought.  For so many years in my life, my emotional pain crippled my will to live.  I was now faced with a disease that could kill me, and I wanted it gone!  I listened intently to my doctor's because I wanted to live!  My particular kind was grade 3 and spread to...

   It's possible not to just survive, but to thrive and to live a healthy, wonderful life again.       My last inpatient stay for my depression was in 2006.  A year before I had gotten the courage to leave my abuser, and ended up filing for divorce.  I was empowered by my decision, but the process isn't always easy.  The stress of it all lead to some unhealthy thinking.   Depression isn't always about wanting to end your life, it is sometimes  wanting the emotional pain to stop. After spending five days in the hospital, I was set up with an intensive outpatient program. It was two weeks from 9- 3 everyday.  I gained insight on how my childhood led to some of my decisions.  I would say my upbringing was routinely normal.  I was the oldest of three brothers, so I took on a role as caretaker as an adult.  I was easily influenced by others.  I started gaining some acceptance  and understanding into my ...

  "Believe you can, and your halfway there"--Theodore Roosevelt.    As I mentioned in an earlier post that Al-Anon  (a world wide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics whether they are sober or active.)   ended up giving me great hope and serenity.  It wasn't overnight, but consistency in attending their meeting and getting involved eased my craziness. My s/o, was sober but very angry and not very supportive of my mental health diagnosis. I wasn't looking for perfection but knew the way we were interacting with each other was unhealthy.  We had moved from Massachusetts to the Carolina's,  a year prior which put more strain on both of us.  A neighbor introduced me to Al-Anon.  I was able to find some meetings that I could bring my children to.  I also had a second neighbor that I confided in and started attending a presbyterian church.  My feelings of hopelessness started to...

  It's ok to take medication.  It's ok to need therapy.   Our body and mind make us who we are.   Just like we take medication for any physical ailment, it is just as important for our brain. Most mental illnesses are chemical imbalances or changes in the brain.  That's what makes mental illness so complicated and lifelong.  This is where the stigma came for me.  I started feeling better so I cut down on my medication.  My thoughts were" I'm back to normal, I'm ok now so I can stop this medication".  Understanding is very important. This kind of thinking landed me in the hospital again.  Also it can take time to find the right medication.  It was very important for me to tell my doctor about any symptoms and keep my appointments.    My diagnosis is depression and anxiety. My recovery here was realizing that I needed both medication and therapy.  Medication gave me more energy, and focus.  Therapy helped...

"Your mental health is just as important as your physical health"     It was in 1995 when I was at my worst with my mental health. I was diagnosed with major depressive  disorder. It's the one and only time I was experiencing psychotic episodes. I would frequently see figures coming out of the cubby holes at my part- time job.  When I got out of the hospital, the medication I was taking stopped the episodes and I went to therapy to gain some stability, so I could keep caring for my children.  My s/o at the time was sober from alcohol, but still had many of the behaviors of a person still actively drinking.  During this time, I also became aware of Al-Anon.  I didn't realize at the time how much I would  come to love this program.    Our family dynamic was in chaos, and I had situations where I had to leave with my children for safety.  Domestic violence shelters and programs also became a big part of my recovery.    As a f...

 The Definition of Recovery according to the Miriam webster dictionary is : the act of regaining or returning toward a normal or healthy state I believe in returning to healthy, but not always normal.  I feel this will be a discussion for another time. I am very passionate about recovery programs.  Whether it be from physical to psychological programs.  It's not always easy, but with time they worked for me.  It was in the 90's when I had my first major breakdown.  Married with two kids.  I spent five days in hospital. I was discharged home with medication.  The doctor recommended my s\o at the time and I get counseling, because there was tension in our marriage and he thought that was more the problem. The recovery here was realizing my s/o wasn't 100% my partner, as I was the only one who went to counseling.  I learned that I had to take care of myself and my children first. In later segments I will talk about my recovery from an actual psy...