My personal journey to Hope, Serenity, and Peace

 " A Dead end is just a good place to turn around" I think right now,  my purpose in life is to stay alive. I'm coming up on my forth year of my breast cancer diagnosis. I remember it like yesterday.  One of the hardest aspects of my life was finding a new normal.  I went from working full time to a having to retire.   The past 30 + years as I struggled with depression and anxiety, my purpose was also to stay alive. I had to raise my children, make sure we were all safe and have some fun now and then.  My daughter sent me a video called " Why having a purpose in life is bullshit" .* by Kate Forster.  In it she talked about her friend that went through cancer and the advice she gave her.   I really identified.  I don't need to have a big purpose right now.  If I want to write, I can do write.  If I want to do a thousand piece puzzle I can do that.  If I don't have any plans I sometimes just stay in my pajamas all day....

"Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of others" Unknown  I'm realizing more and more as I have started this blog, that recovery is in every aspect of my life. For the past year I've had to assist my husband in some daily living skills. I had to skip a week with my posts because my husband went into the hospital.  He went to rehab after spending 5 days inpatient for some respiratory distress. He returned home February 1st. For me, the more recovery I have the more positive I am when life happens.  Since I am retired I was able to go to the hospital daily and sit with my loved one.  This was a different schedule for me.  I had to make sure I was still taking care of myself.  Making sure I got enough rest when I went home and eating when I got hungry.  With my mental health history, I had to make sure I did not get emotional burned out.   With strong recovery in my life I feel I have gotten to know my body physically and emotionally....

"When we are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears" Anthony Robbins. When I think about the date today, I haven't always been so calm and serene.  Thirty six years ago is when I got married for the first time.  Because of how the marriage ended and many unacceptable issues that happened,  it was a major trigger for years.  I would have different emotional reactions for years.  Today it is just another day. When I have an anxiety or panic attacks, my heart can start racing and it feels like something is crawling inside my body.  With continued recovery I was able to forgive myself and also the partner that I left.  My emotional responses improved.  Looking back it took talking with professionals , joining and getting involved in support and getting rid of the shame.   In many ways, I had to change some of my thinking.  I actually became grateful.  Grateful for the lessons I've learned and am learning.   I rea...

I knew sleep was a necessity, but for me it was a major trigger. I have been having sleep issues ever since I was diagnosed with my depression.  Right now in the present, it is a chore to fall asleep.  Some nights I feel like a child who doesn't want to go to sleep.  With my history of depression and domestic violence.  I had to take prescription sleep medication to get negative thoughts from haunting me at night. As I recovered my sleep got better.   During therapy sessions, I learned guided imagery that put me in happy places that I enjoyed. With the internet and utube, their are many ways to access sleep exercise,positive images and sleep music. Since I got diagnosed with cancer, I have had unhealthy thoughts that I will not make it to the morning.  Of course it is very scary, but yet I took many deep breaths and with all the past skills of recovery, it is lessening.   I am going to treat this like a regular job 1st:  During my awake ...

We don't have to control our thoughts.  We just have to stop letting them control us. Depression and anxiety for me go hand in hand.   Along with depression, I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.  Now that my depression is stable, I can understand my anxiety more.  I had to have treatment for both.  Some of my worry led to my depression.  With my anxiety I had excessive worry.  I always thought of the worst case scenario.  Some of my thoughts became obsessive and I couldn't stop them.  It was very crippling.  These thoughts would led to helplessness and hopelessness, which in turn would lead to my emotional pain and my thoughts of suicide. Recovery for me always comes back to acceptance.  Once I gained acceptance of my circumstances and not question why, I was able to start healing.   When I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my thoughts were how and why?  There was no genetic connection.  Was it ...

 The first year of  my cancer treatment, I was actually kind of numb.  The doctors tell you about all the possible side effects that can possible happen, and I wondered how my body would  handle it all.   I was stable with my depression, I was now remarried and recently got a promotion at work.  I was grateful for all the recovery I had, because it made me that much stronger to deal with another monster in my life.  I took leave from work and started chemotherapy in April of 2021.  August had a lumpectomy and started Radiation in October.  I was finished with TX in November of that year.   During one of my radiation appointments tears started running down my face and my doctor put in for a referral for a cancer psychologist.   It did take a couple months to get an appointment, but I went, listened and shared because my body was healing physically as well as emotionally again.  I wasn't depressed. I didn't want to...

"Your stronger than you ever realized, without a doubt." For the last 15 years, I was now stable with my depression.  I was still taking medication, but my coping skills got me to the point where psychiatrist intervention wasn't needed.  I was managing my own home and full- time job.  I was actually getting be to know myself. March of 2021, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I want to say my world started crumbling again, but for some reason I didn't feel alone and isolated like I had in the past when bad news came.  I had the support of my new spouse, my adult children, family and even friends. Being emotionally healthy helped me more than I realized. I was still in shock at the thought.  For so many years in my life, my emotional pain crippled my will to live.  I was now faced with a disease that could kill me, and I wanted it gone!  I listened intently to my doctor's because I wanted to live!  My particular kind was grade 3 and spread to...